People seeking asylum in the UK should be ruthlessly tortured with thumbscrews and waterboarding to find out their true intentions, the former chief of UK immigration says.
David Wood claims that the lot of them are lying cheats and total bastards who just want to take advantage of the UK’s naturally welcoming and good-natured attitude towards foreigners.
“Frankly, if they were genuine asylum-seekers, then they would be happy to endure a little light waterboarding in order to come and live in our country,” said Mr Wood.
Home Secretary Sajid Javid was quick to agree.
“If anything, thumbscrews and waterboarding are not enough, I suggest we employ the medieval ducking stool,” he said, visibly tumescent at the prospect of making immigrants’ lives more unpleasant.
“You pop one of these grasping shits on the stool and drop it in a lake, if he drowns then he’s a genuine asylum-seeker, if he survives then he’s just a filthy economic immigrant and should be thrown back into the Channel at the first opportunity.”
The Prime Minister took a break from being weak, incompetent and ineffectual to offer her support for the plans.
“Ducking stool? No, I think its high time we came down hard on these queue-jumping sub-human scum,” she said.
“We lay them down with a door on their chest and then put rocks on it until they admit that they’re coming here for the easy life of an unemployed universal credit claimant, then we shoot them like dogs.”
It is understood that Mr Woods will be receiving some form of New Year’s honour for services to getting a nonsense immigration story in the news to distract from the government’s daily Brexit incompetence.