Christmas truly over as daily broadcasts of Boris Johnson’s panic-flavoured bullshit announcements resume

2 weeks ago
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Christmas over

Christmas is well and truly finished now, as signalled by the news Boris Johnson has an announcement to make.

The PM’s rumoured intention to put the whole country into a new lockdown is just the signal the country needed that it’s time to take down the Christmas stockings, take the empty bottles out to the bin, and fly-tip the Christmas tree into the nearest area of outstanding natural beauty.

“Fantastic” confirmed Simon Williams, stepping into the garden and frisbeeing an unwanted Lynx Africa gift set over the fence.

“You know it’s business as usual once Boris shows up on telly to stutter his way through some PowerPoints.”

“I couldn’t have asked for a clearer signal that the Christmas holidays are well and truly finished beyond the controlled demolition of a coca-coal truck with Santa sat inside.”

“Time to put away the Christmas jumper, shriek at the bank balance and knuckle down for another eleven months of toil, spiced up only by the occasional variation on how far I can walk from my house without getting fined, arrested or tasered.”

“It’s alright, my family can take it. We braced ourselves for this level of misery by playing Monopoly on Christmas day.”

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