Donald Trump was left celebrating today after the publication of the Mueller report left his reputation in the clear – apart from claims of sexism, misogyny, racism, adultery with a porn star, climate-change denial, possible obstruction of justice, serial dishonesty and stupidity.
The US president marked the occasion with a celebratory double-cheeseburger and an extra-smug smile.
Trump told reporters the report was a “complete and total exoneration,” seemingly unaware that an extract from the report concluded it “does not exonerate him.”
The president’s senior aides were quick to deny that his statement proved, by definition, either the allegations of lying or the one of stupidity.
One supporter said, “The report makes clear that there was no evidence of collusion between the President’s campaign and Russia, which means he emerges from this effectively in the clear.
“The suggestions that he groped women, made sexist remarks, cheated on his pregnant wife with a porn star, failed to understand climate change and repeatedly lied and made crazy remarks are nothing more than minor issues that plague all public servants.
“And the fact that the report reached no conclusion on obstruction-of-justice charges should not detract from what an all-around stand-up guy he clearly is.
“It is absolute nonsense to suggest that, by simply demanding our Commander In Chief is not a proven criminal, America is setting the bar at an all-time low.”