In an attempt to clear up all the confusion about who’s in which Covid tier, the government has decided to allocate alert levels on an individual basis to each of the nation’s 70 million residents.
With England currently haphazardly divided up into various alert levels, it can be difficult to keep track of which rules apply to you.
Worry not – the Prime Minister has had an idea.
“I’ve said all along that we’ll only beat this thing if everyone takes personal responsibility for their actions,” said Boris.
“Therefore, all of you will be given your very own coronavirus tier so you know exactly where you stand – and, more to the point, where you’re not allowed to stand.
“This follows our long-term communication strategy of making guidelines as consistent and understandable as possible and should make life a lot more manageable for everyone.”
However, the Williams family are discovering that individual tiers present significant challenges.
“I’m on high alert,” said Simon Williams. “My wife Karen is on very high and our two children are both on medium alert.
“Last night we went to the pub after dinner. I had some nuts, the kids had some crisps but Karen had to have a substantial meal. She’s not used to eating two whole dinners – she was up all night with indigestion.
“This Sunday we’re going round to our friends Alan and Susan’s for lunch. Well, Karen’s not because she’s not allowed. I’ll be standing in their garden while the children go indoors to talk to Alan about mortgages.
“And I’m still not sure if that’s right.”
The prime minister admits that the new system has the potential to be a little confusing.
“Oh, I know!” he said. “How about having FOUR tiers?”