Three spirits shall visit Jacob Rees-Marley this night, representing what he was, what he is, and what he might yet be – and they’ll all be exactly the same.
Mogg was warned of the visit of the apparitions by fellow throwback Jeremy Corbyn who appeared in a terrifying vision of a man entirely controlled by history and unable to break the shackles of his own creation.
Jacob is understood to have dismissed the warning as ‘Humbug’, and insisted that visitations by vengeful spirits were nothing more than a Remoaner plot.
“There’s more of Dominic Grieve than the grave about you, I’ll wager,” he is understood to have chuckled.
Upon their arrival, the ghosts will spend Christmas night showing Jacob images of a man incapable of changing his mind or listening to the opinions of others, because that could be any time over the last fifty years and isn’t likely to be different any time soon.
However, government insiders were hopeful that the spirit of Christmas might have some effect.
“We’re hoping that tomorrow Jacob might wake up a changed man, and call to a passing urchin to ask if that welfare policy in the shop window in the next street is still there,” we were told.
“You know, the one as big as you my lad, and if so to run and get it so he can have something to show the nation.
“Oh, heck, who are we kidding? His soul is as dead as a door nail – no, a Coffin nail.”