The Environment Agency has issued a dire warning of flooding for South Eastern England after Michael Gove tried to dispose of cocaine down his toilet.
Following a knock on his heavily reinforced door at 5am this morning in connection with Class A drug use, Gove gathered up his five-kilo stash of toot and made a beeline for the bathroom.
But attempts to wash away the evidence were hampered by a partly-flushed turd, leading to the phenomenon known as “backwash” , meaning seven major rivers are now on yellow alert.
Commuters across Kent and parts of Essex are facing a perfect storm of rising water floods, discarded razor blades and the former Education Secretary’s water-borne faeces.
IT manager, John Goodier, said, “I was sat in my car on the M25 listening to the Today programme when a massive brown shark floated past my window.
“From its vague air of entitlement, it had to be one of Gove’s.”
Environment spokesman, Simon Williams, added, “We urge members of the cabinet and Tory leadership hopefuls not to flush drug paraphernalia down the toilet in an attempt to evade arrest, where it can combine with wet wipes and shit to form significant obstacles.
“The outlook is particularly grim given that Mr Gove is having a dinner party later this week with fellow users Andrea Leadsom, Dominic Raab and Rory Stewart.