The level of clarity in Boris Johnson’s lockdown statement depends on who you voted for, according to researchers this morning.
After Boris spent fifteen minutes yesterday evening telling the nation what would happen next, reports emerged that his guidance was definitively either ‘clear as mud’ or ‘crystal clear’.
“There is no ambiguity here,” explained lead researcher Simon Williams.
“No-one is saying ‘well, I pretty much get it’. They either have no idea what he’s asking people to do, or believe only an idiot wouldn’t know what to do after listening to him speak.
“We’ve also discovered that which camp you are in is defined by who you voted for, without exception.
“If you voted for Boris, then it all makes perfect sense to anyone with an ounce of intellect, but if you didn’t, then he’s a waffling moron saying nothing of substance.”
Other researchers have discovered that’s not just who you voted for that can be gauged from your reaction to the statement, but that your reaction to the statement helps explain why you voted the way you did.
Another team member told us, “If you found Boris’ statement perfectly clear, then it means you probably value clever-sounding babble that actually says very little, which means it’s no surprise you voted for Boris.
“Whereas if you thought his plan was confusing, then it might mean that you have difficulty with comprehension and understanding basic principles – which would explain why you voted for one of the other lots.
“Yes, we often undertake research that means we can insult everyone at once, why do you ask?”