We’re living in interesting times. It’s looking very much like Boris Johnson is going to be the next Prime Minister, although quirky longshot Rory Stewart is still in the race. Donald Trump tweeted about spending time with the Prince of Whales and we’re not sure whether it was a typo or if he did it on porpoise.
Anyway, here are 25 wonderfully funny things we’ve seen this week. Enjoy.
Me: Can I put a poster up for Stroud Pride?
Shop Owner: Sure! That’s for the gays isn’t it?
Me: It’s for everyone!
Shop Owner: Are you..
Me: …yes I’m…
Shop Owner: Do you know anything about wind chimes?
Shop Owner: Or is that lesbians?
— Sacha Coward (@sacha_coward) June 7, 2019
My writing workshop for inmates has its prose and cons.
— Bec Hill (Be Chill) (@bechillcomedian) June 10, 2019
The inventor of the iPhone battery has died. His funer
— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) June 9, 2019
My friend Stephen started using a pH neutral bodywash and now he’s called Steen.
— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) June 9, 2019
Friend: You should lie on your résumé. Everyone else does.
Job interviewer: Who’s Garry?
Me: An old school friend of mine. Why?
Job interviewer: Because it says on here that he invented gravy.
— Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) June 10, 2019
Get up, stand up
Stand up for your rights
Get up, stand up pic.twitter.com/xyuUbxV4RJ
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) June 10, 2019
At some point I have to accept that I’m not “forgetting” to drink water, I’m not drinking it cos its boring and I hate it
— Rachel Parris (@rachelparris) June 11, 2019
“Just go past toastwhore, take a left at beandick and you’ll see it. It’s right across from baconskank!
The name of this restaurant HAS to have a history- pic.twitter.com/rqAInRCVv5
— Duncan Jones (@ManMadeMoon) June 11, 2019
me: wow your kid drew this horse?
friend: it’s a dog but yeah
me: omg your dog drew this horse?
— Mowgli (@Holy_Mowgli) June 11, 2019
HERMIONE: You can’t just put “us” on the end of normal words and expect it to work like a spell
HARRY: Shutus upus
HERMIONE: *stunned silence*
RON: *removing earplugs* Oh thank god
— flappy 🐥 (@funflaps) June 11, 2019
Traditional wedding anniversary gifts, by year:
1. pleather 2. kibble 3. autumn 2017 Screwfix catalogue (pdf) 4. raffia 5. Butylphenyl Methylpropional 6. ASDA Smart Price® Batter Mix 7. bitumen 8. trilby 9. Peter Sissons’ “When One Door Closes” (Kindle edition) 10. krill
— Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) June 12, 2019
5-year-old: I’m the leader.
Me: Of what?
I think she just declared her independence.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 13, 2019